Bevin offers buy one pardon, get one free deal
Former Gov. Matt Bevin is offering the deal of a lifetime to those who have been found guilty of murder, rape and other heinous crimes: for the low, low price of $25,500 you can purchase a pardon and get the next pardon on the house.
Bevin, Kentucky’s Republican governor who recently rode off into the proverbial sunset, issued a slew of pardons and commutations on his way out the gubernatorial door. All of the pardons, none of which are the least bit controversial and have all been wildly applauded, prompted Bevin to offer this deal.
“I thought to myself, ‘Hey, where else are people who have raped a child, or hired a hit man to kill their business partner or killed their parents going to find this kind of deal?’ The answer is nowhere,” Bevin said on the front steps of his Anchorage mansion safely insulated from any political or personal backlash from his pardons.
“And oh boy, don’t get me started on how great a deal this is for people who behead women and stuff them in barrels,” Bevin continued while the anguished, furious cries of prosecutors, attorneys and grieving families members from across the Commonwealth could be heard in the background.
Bevin’s newly unveiled Pardon Extravaganza was inspired by his well received pardon of Patrick Baker. Baker served two years of a 19-year sentence for reckless homicide, impersonating a police officer and tampering with evidence.
Baker’s brother and sister-in-law raised $21,500 last year to retire Bevin’s 2015 gubernatorial campaign debt, and they also donated $4,000 at the July 2018 fundraiser held at their home.
Baker was convicted alongside two other men, Elijah Messer and Christopher Wagner, by a Knox County jury in 2017 of conspiring to invade and rob the home of Donald Mills in 2014, who was shot and killed in front of his family.
The trio were all found guilty but Baker, the one who pulled the trigger killing Mills, was the only one to receive a pardon.
Mills’ family promptly told Bevin he could “rot in hell.”
It was the righteously ethical framework of the Baker pardon that made Bevin realize he could, should and would cash in on this as much as possible.
Bevin provided a brief overview as to how his Pardon Extravaganza would work:
People give a substantial amount of money to him (Matt Bevin)
In turn he (Matt Bevin) will do whatever they ask of him
When asked by a reporter if the entire criminal justice system is a sham predicated on centuries of racism, homophobia, violence and lies all the while providing loopholes for those who are predominately white and have money to buy their way out of any real consequences and maybe we should just abolish the entire system…
As the reporter continued on, Bevin turned around, took a photo of the sunset, tweeted it and went back inside his mansion.
As the reporter was leaving Bevin’s estate, a large banner proclaiming the Pardon Extravaganza was unfurled and several waving inflatable arm men, like the ones you may see at used car lots, were erected on the grounds.